I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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