i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm too high and old for this...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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