No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
