I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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