peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
