Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
