By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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