You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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