I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
