I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
