so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
