i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
