i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
