i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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