im about as happy as oj after his trial
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
