I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
