I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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