So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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