does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Text me some of your sweat
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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