I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
