so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
