She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
