Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
