Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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