I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize