Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
