no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
