I didn't shave. On purpose
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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