Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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