i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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