Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
