Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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