I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I looked at my own cervix.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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