For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
