I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
