Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize