you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
