what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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