these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
