If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
