hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
