Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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