My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
All the doctor said was why
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
