Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
