she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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