im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
