if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
