I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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