any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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