Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize