i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
