Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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