This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize