Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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