The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
