a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My vagina just clenched in fear
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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