btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
