After last night, I could never be a politician.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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