Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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