I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
