I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
