1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
