Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
