Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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