he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize