he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
