College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
