I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
