I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
His nipple licking is glorious
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