Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
