do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
