i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
