I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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